As we all know, traffic sucks in DC. A direct result is that we all have those days when we’re stuck in unexplained traffic jams for some ridiculous amount of time. We’re annoyed, because all we want to do is get home, see our families, and have a little dinner, no? As a service to our local community, allow me to present a few of Metroblogging DC’s tips for surviving a traffic-heavy commmute.
– If you happen to be in a heavy traffic jam and happen to tap the rear bumper of the car in front of you, it’s a sign. It means you should try leaving an extra foot or two between your car and that one, because you were clearly following too closely before. It is NOT the signal to crawl even FURTHER up my tailpipe and hit me AGAIN three blocks later, YOU STUPID BITCH.
– If you happen to be the aforementioned driver who hits the same car twice in a three block space due to following TOO DAMN CLOSELY, the polite thing to do is look appropriately contrite, not start gesticulating in your rear view mirror as if it was MY car that REACHED OUT AND GRABBED YOURS, DUMBASS.
– At 19th and E Streets NW, the two right lanes are the only lanes that may turn right onto E street. TWO. Not THREE. If you try to turn right from the second lane to the left, while TALKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE, you are an ASSHOLE, and you deserve not only all the angry honking you get from the cars you’re preventing from continuing through the intersection, but you also totally deserve it when all the drivers who are following the rules refuse to let your dumb ass into the lane in front of them.
– It is the height of inconsideration to block an entire lane of traffic behind you, with plenty of empty, clear lane in front of you, so you can try to force your way into the other lane that’s not moving.
– Bonus Parking Garage Tip, directed at the idiot in the green Jaguar from Annapolis: I know, you got to work late like I did, and you had to park in one of those little half-spaces with the big pillar in one end of it. But that’s no excuse to park so close to my wee little car that I can’t even open the door. I shouldn’t have to crawl into the driver’s seat from the FUCKING PASSENGER DOOR when I am parked fully inside the lines because you park like a retard. Further, I shouldn’t have to do the little wiggly-reverse dance just to avoid taking your mirror off by hitting it with mine. I notice that you left yourself MORE than ample room to get in and out of your car. It is only my respect for the laws of a civil society that prevented me from KEYING THE EVER-LOVING FUCK out of your pretty green paint job. Asshat.
By following these few simple tips, you can greatly improve the quality of your commute. Because I won’t get out of my car and FUCKING BEAT YOUR ASS.
This post appeared in its original form at DC Metblogs
Tiffany Baxendell Bridge is an Internet enthusiast and an incurable smartass. When not heckling the neighborhood political scene on Twitter, she can be found goofing off with her ukulele, Bollywood dancing, or obsessing about cult TV. She is That Woman With the Baby In the Bar.
Tiffany lives in Brookland with her husband Tom, son Charlie, and two high-maintenance cats. Read why Tiffany loves DC.
