Van Man was sentenced yesterday. It was supposed to be routine- obviously guilty, Van Man, whose secret identity is Lowell W. Timmers (a mild-mannered woodcutter from Michigan), was to plead guilty to the charges and be sentenced to 34 months for threatening to blow up 10 gallons of gas in front of the White House.

But then the judge, as judges are wont to do, asked him how likely he is to do it again. Van Man’s response?

“There’s always a chance of anything, Your Honor.”

But wait, it gets better. Better than telling the judge that you might threaten to blow up the White House again? Oh yes.

Apparently, Mr. Timmers is a “deeply, deeply philosophical person” who doesn’t believe in absolutes.

So, who remembers the man in the shack with the cat from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series? The one who didn’t believe in absolutes and so was the only person who could be trusted to rule the galaxy because he was the only person who wouldn’t actually want the job?

Apparently Adams forgot to tell us that his name is Lowell Timmers. According to his attorney, Timmers questions existence so thoroughly that “If you asked him if anything is absolute in this world, he may tell you he’s not sure he’s standing here.”

Right. I see.

This post appeared in its original form at DC Metblogs