Extra-Moderate: Proposed Signs for the Rally to Restore Sanity

I THINK EVERYONE INVOLVED HERE IS CUTE
Comic courtesy of and copyright by xkcd, posted with permission.

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s this rally-for-people-who-hate-rallies coming up. It might be a pretty big deal.

But it occurred to me to ask… if people get fired up about a rally for moderates, doesn’t that then make them, by definition, less moderate? And what happens when a comedian becomes a media figure who then becomes a political figure? And what if I don’t care about any of these questions and I just want to mock the hell out of protesters who prevent low income people from getting to their downtown jobs in the name of helping the poor? Or protesters dressed as colonials whose signs demand that we “READ THE CONSTITUION?” What if I’m moderate as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore? If it doesn’t mean I have to miss too much work? Because seriously, I have a job to do.

Protest signs, y’all. (Which, of course, will be immediately cleaned up and thrown away after the rally, because our mamas raised us right.)

What’s a rally without signs? We’ve kicked around a few ideas along the lines of the ones above to declare our moderate, just-trying-to-live-our-lives-ness. Suggested slogans include:

CLEAN UP YOUR TRASH

I SEE YOUR POINT. AND YOURS, TOO.

I TOOK LEAVE TO BE HERE

I LIKE PEOPLE WHO DISAGREE

I’M VERY HAPPY, EVERYONE!

USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE

EXTREME CENTRIST

I HAVE A JOB YOU KNOW

WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?

SPELLCHECK IS YOUR FRIEND

NEWS = COMEDY

But no doubt your sign slogans will be better. Share them with us, won’t you?

Tiffany Baxendell Bridge is an Internet enthusiast and an incurable smartass. When not heckling the neighborhood political scene on Twitter, she can be found goofing off with her ukulele, Bollywood dancing, or obsessing about cult TV. She is That Woman With the Baby In the Bar.

Tiffany lives in Brookland with her husband Tom, son Charlie, and two high-maintenance cats. Read why Tiffany loves DC.

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30 thoughts on “Extra-Moderate: Proposed Signs for the Rally to Restore Sanity”

  2. I’m thinking of taking a protest sign with a giant picture of me holding the same protest sign…a recursive Jess protest sign if you will.

    Problems include matching the background (will I have to stand in the same place all day for full effect?), and also paying to make a giant Jess picture.

    That or just a sign with a cute puppy on it.

  8. I was thinking of mocking the Hitler signs:

    Picture of a ham sandwich which has a Hitler mustache on it; line underneath “My ham sandwich is worse than Hitler!!!”

    Or

    A double sided sign, one has a picture of Obama and the other with W. They both have a Charlie Chaplin mustache and hat on.

  17. Actually, “Meh” was my second choice. I wrote a “Letter to the American People” which I would have liked to put on a sign during the rally, but it’s too darn long. Here it is, if you’re interested:

    Hello all.

    My name is Tariq. I’m a devout Muslim from Saudi Arabia. I’ve spent lots of time in the US. I am studying to obtain a PhD in English lit.

    And it’s about time I came clean.

    Yes, Americans, I will confess to you all the true nature of Islam.

    See, I remember when I was in first grade in Richmond, VA, I played Mr. Banks in the school production of Mary Poppins. My folks were so proud of me, even though I didn’t give the best performance. Later, my mom came up to the teacher to thank her for such a lovely show. But then she noticed that my teacher, Mrs. Kelly, was wearing a crucifix. Now this caused a major dilemma, because, as you apparently all know, Muslims are commanded by the Qur’an to kill all non-Muslims. So my mom unsheathed the samurai sword she carries around (we all know that 98% of Muslims carry around samurai swords) and beheaded Mrs. Kelly. Then we went to Friendly’s. (For those of you who don’t live on the East Coast, Friendly’s is an ice cream joint).

    When we moved back to Riyadh, I noticed my dad sometimes came back home with a duffel back with what I imagined to be a bowling ball inside. One day I peeked in and found a decapitated head. Of course, being a Muslim (even a 13-year-old one), this didn’t disturb me at all. Bloody, decapitated heads just seemed normal, nay, natural, to me. But my curiosity was piqued.

    “Yuba,” I said (that’s “Dad” in Islamicarabic. “Why do you have a head in your duffel bag?”
    “Oh,” he smiled, “well, as you may have picked up, Islam commands me to murder any non-Muslim I see. So I saw this Christian guy at Mickey D’s. Naturally, I beheaded the sucker.”
    “Interesting,” I gasped. “Does Islam also command that we bring their heads home in duffel bags?”
    “No,” he laughed, “that’s just for sh*ts and giggles.”

    Now, I’ve obviously beheaded many non-Muslims. Kenny, a Korean dude I met in England, Justin, Ryan, Danielle, Alan. These are all cool people I got to know and behead.

    Now, most of the crazy stuff associated with Islam like indiscriminate beheading with samurai swords, world domination, etc. come from Sura 115 of the Qur’an, titled Surat “al Arnab”, or “The Rabbit.” Here are some other commands to be found in “The Rabbit”:

    1- If a Muslim comes into contact with an infidel’s iPad, the Muslim MUST scratch the screen in order to annoy the disbeliever (115:34).
    2- Although it is not obligatory, a Muslim is encouraged to laugh in the general direction of anyone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt (115:29).
    3- A Muslim gets 34.5 “Brownie Points”, (in Islamarabic, “Nuqat al Kunafah”) if he/she deletes any episodes of Gossip Girl from an infidel’s DVR (115:90).
    4- The part about Muslims not eating pork is just a charade. It’s in there to f*ck with the Jews, or to use Qur’anic language, “the ones who runneth Hollywood” (115:125).

    I’m glad this clears things up. I hope to behead some of you one day soon (preferably Thursday afternoons).

    W salamatkum!

  19. A rally for moderates? Or people who want to believe they are moderates. I believe that true moderates don’t care for Beck, Stewart, or really anyone at all. I didn’t understand the purpose of the Beck rally and I’m even more perplexed by this one… Is this rally an attempt to mock other rallies? And if doing so isn’t Stewart joining the long list of insignificant Rally’ers that we moderates are supposed to ignore?

    I’ll be busy on the 30th eating all the Snickers from the variety candy bags, the neighborhood kids can have the Milky Way’s.

    But if I did go to the rally, my sign would say…. “would the real slim shady please stand up”

  21. God hears all prayers.
    He asks that you shut up & just do it by yourself!

    or

    The END is nearer!

    I like:

    this is what lowercase looks like by Deiloh

    &

    is this the unemployment line? by Hangnail

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