‘Screech Owl nestling’
courtesy of ‘ben.wurst’

So, Dustin “Screech” Diamond is headlining the comedy show at Listrani’s in Arlington tonight and tomorrow. The fact that you probably didn’t know that Listrani’s Pizza had comedy is your hint about how well it functions as a comedy club. The fact that Screech is headlining it is your hint about how well his career is going. (The pizza is pretty tasty though, if you’re wondering.)

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t even mention it, because usually I make it a point to only highlight local comedians, but a) Mike Eltringham is opening for him, and Mike is quite funny even if Diamond skates by on the novelty of being Screech-All-Growed-Up-And-Cussin’, and b) Eltringham wrote a HI-FREAKING-LARIOUS blog takedown of Diamond’s contract rider, in light of his upcoming appearance at Listrani’s.  You really, really should click through and read the whole thing, but here’s a highlight:

HOSPITALITY: Purchaser to provide at no cost to Artist the following in his dressing room:
* 4 half-liter bottles of non-carbonated spring water. (2 chilled, 2 at room temp. )
* 4 cans of Red Bull
* 2 pints chocolate milk, 2 pints 2% milk (chilled.)
* 4 x 20 ounce bottles of Pepsi or Coke (chilled.)
* If performing in a club, 6 bottles of Michelob Ultra or Miller Lite per day.

Have you ever came home from a long day of work and thought, “Christ, did I have a long day today. I can’t wait to ease into my favorite recliner, kick my feet up, and begin consuming 2 liters of water, 80 ounces of Coke, 4 pints of milk (two of which are chocolate, all of which are chilled), 4 Red Bulls, and 6 bottles of Michelob Ultra or Miller Lite? Then I’ll really be able to unwind!”

Seriously, go read it.

Tiffany Bridge

Tiffany Baxendell Bridge is an Internet enthusiast and an incurable smartass. When not heckling the neighborhood political scene on Twitter, she can be found goofing off with her ukulele, Bollywood dancing, or obsessing about cult TV. She is That Woman With the Baby In the Bar.

Tiffany lives in Brookland with her husband Tom, son Charlie, and two high-maintenance cats. Read why Tiffany loves DC.