‘Momentos de tensão na Wenetus [3]’
courtesy of ‘Rodrigo Muniz’

Well, it’s that time again: time to mock the terrible geography skills of the people responsible for 24. My friend Mike suggested the other day that perhaps what we really need is a hitman who’ll just run a tab after we get past the actors listed in the opening credits. I couldn’t agree more.

Recap time: They should recruit Jibraan’s little brother for CTU, after the way he MacGuyvered a knife out of that broken mirror.

They’re retrofitting canisters and maximizing dispersion to release the bioweapon at “Washington Central Station,” because apparently Union Station is just TOO DAMN CONVENIENT. Meanwhile, Tony is telling Jibraan to get on the Red Line and head to Washington Center. JUST CALL IT UNION STATION YOU JACKASSES. Oh, and “Red Line, Westbound?” Good lord, people.

Jibraan heads underground at the Woodward Metro Station. No shit. Um guys? If there were a Woodward metro station, it would have a parking garage. *rimshot*

Jack uncuffs Jibraan’s little brother and sends the imam in to comfort him. Since the injured terrorist is their only lead, Jack waves off the paramedic trying to give the guy pain medication. There’s only ONE WAY this can play out.

Jack needs the Ladies’ Geek Squad back at Imaginary FBI to help him figure out where Tony is while the injured terrorist calls him with some made up story. Jack prefers that Chloe take point on this part, and Chloe and Janis engage in some ridiculous pissing match about who is the superior geek.

They can’t quite figure out where Tony is except that he’s somewhere in Adams Morgan. Previously the map put him over near RFK, except now he’s in Adams Morgan (I guess Woodward Station is the 24-land equivalent of Woodley Park/Adams Morgan?) Jack wants MPD over there with all their hazmat gear, and at least HE knows to call them Metro PD.

Jibraan heads into an LA metro station, cleverly masquerading as a DC Metro station, because it has a DC Metro map tacked up in the corner of a station manager’s booth. He tries to alert the station staff, but OH SNAP! The transit cop makes him put Tony’s earpiece back in and start taking orders again!

Aaron has been WORRIED SICK, young lady, about Li’l Taylor, who slipped her Secret Service protection to go meet her wetworks guy in the park. Turns out he’s the one who told the hitman to go ahead with the Hodges assassination. And then he says, quite ridiculously, that she’d better hurry up and pay up because you do NOT want this guy mad at you. Because other hitmen are such fluffy bunnies.

Kim Bauer is walking through an airport that is clearly not any of the airports in this area, talking to her husband on her dying phone, as they both display their wedding rings prominently for the camera. He’ll be at the airport to pick her up. With the baybeee.

Jibraan’s on the Metro, and Redheaded Evil is incognito, setting us up the bomb. She gives it 15 minutes, even though “Washington Central” is the next and final stop. Don’t get that at all. But hey, I’m not a 24 writer, what do I know?

Jack and Freckles track Tony down. They ram his van with their car and Jack jumps out and puts Tony in a sleeper hold to prevent him from breaking his phone into teeny pieces! The commercial break will give Jack time to plan how to torture him.

The Chloe/Janis pissing contest resumes, and this time, it looks like… advantage: Janis.

Jack briefly tries to beat the holy hell out of Tony, but clearly his heart isn’t in it, because he threatens to kill Tony WAY too early. Tony says he’s got nothing left to lose, and Jack lowers his gun, as the terminal force meets the apathetic object.

So Janis and Chloe and Freckles figure out where Jibraan is, and say that he’s on the Metro Westbound, when their own map clearly shows him going EASTBOUND. Seriously, this isn’t even about DC geography anymore. This is about freaking COMPASS POINTS, BITCHES.

They manage to get Jack on Jibraan’s earpiece, and Jack talks him through finding the bioweapon. Jibraan has to take it out of the station because THERE’S NO TIME for Jack to get down to him. Never mind why the terrorists would want to set off a BIOWEAPON in an EMPTY TRAIN.

Jibraan narrowly misses being arrested by a totally clean cop as a terrorist, and he’s no help to anyone by waving that damn canister around. Fortunately, by the time he gets out of the station, Jack is there and able to set things straight very quickly.

Jack grabs the canister and seals himself off in… I don’t know, some truck. Because the AIRBORNE MAD COW is apparently only airborne for 15 seconds or something. I don’t know. I gave up trying to figure out wtf is up with this bioweapon like 4 episodes ago.

He comes out, all covered in mad cow preeeeeyons, and yet Agent Freckles has no problem at all getting all huggy on him. Jack orders “a complete interrogation package” for when they get Tony back to Imaginary FBI HQ. Interrogation package? Like with champagne and chocolate strawberries?

Evil Redhead assures the squirrelly suit-wearing bad guy that Tony won’t be in custody long… “we have another play.”

Kim Bauer is dodging the creepy guy following her at the airport (who turns out to be keeping an eye on her for Jack) by striking up a friendship with a couple sitting at her gate. The husband gets up to get coffee, Kim gets up to go to the ladies’ room, and OH SNAP, the husband kills Kim’s secret bodyguard in the bathroom! OH MAH GAWD, this is getting so ridiculous I can’t even begin to follow along.

Aaron is trying to get it out of Li’l Taylor where she’s been, and she gets all weepy and complains about how much stress she’s been under (like a Secret Service agent is going to have any sympathy for THAT whiny crap), and so Aaron gets suspicious. He calls… O HAI JUNCTION JACK and asks if the Nixon equipment is still hooked up. Apparently it is, but Junction Jack has to come back to the White House to give Aaron access to the recordings from the Chief of Staff’s office.

Janis and Chloe are still pointlessly bickering. Gawd. Won’t you just make out already?

The airport husband is back from getting coffee and murdering the federal agent, and he points his laptop camera at Kim. Evil Redhead calls Jack and tells him to spring Tony from federal custody or the operatives at the airport will kill Kim. What’s that? If any FBI agents get in the way, Jack should kill them? Will Jack have to shoot Freckles? AGAIN?

Tune in next week for the two-hour conclusion to this godawful mess.