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courtesy of ‘erin m’

It’s t minus one week until Valentine’s Day, and if you’re reading this, you’ve got problems. You haven’t decided on the year’s most romantic meal that will impress not only your significant other, but every person you’ve ever met. There’s a lot of pressure when it comes to Valentine’s plans, and there are way too many choices. So this year, we’ve shortcut it for you. For every stage or annoyance in your relationship, there is a Valentine’s Day option for it.

We’re Both Single and Our Friends Didn’t Want Us to Be Alone So We’re On a Blind Date/I’m a Germaphobe

Not quite at the point in the relationship where you feel like sharing a kiss let alone a meal? Whether it’s because you don’t know the other person that well or exchanging saliva gives you the icks, Ba Bay is actually going to be able to help you this year. They have concocted a his and hers tasting menu for the newly dating and germ-adverse alike. Priced at $55 a person, the guys can enjoy beef tartar, meatballs, roasted beef and bread pudding, while the ladies will get grilled lobster salad, tofu stuffed pork, arctic char and chocolate mousse. Though the guys might have to watch out for gout (that’s a lot of meat!), the Vietnamese-inspired meal will be the perfect way to get to know each other or each other’s bacteria.

Our Third Date Happens to Fall on Valentine’s Day, If You Know What I’m Saying…wink, wink…

It’s true that Hallmark wants to tell you that Valentine’s Day is all about long term love and hand holding and schmoopy stuff like that, but we’re all adults here and know that Valentine’s Day is about uh…other stuff too. There’s nothing that gets you in the mood like foods designed to get you in the mood, and on Valentine’s Day restaurants are happy to do the legwork for you. Usually you’d have to do a some strategic ordering to get all the rumored aphrodisiac foods (afoodisiacs?) in one meal, but not on the holiest of Hallmark holidays, February 14th.

Many restaurants have the champagne, chocolate and the official pantry panty dropper — oysters. But there are a couple places that cut to the chase and use only the foods that make you tingly in your swimsuit parts. At Co Co. Sala and Rosa Mexicano you get an entire meal inspired by the magical capabilities of chocolate. You know how the ladies of their chocolate after all. At Belga Cafe, Chef Bart Vandaele has put together a “Red, Hot and Naughty Lovers” menu that hits all the aphrodisiac hot spots. Now if that doesn’t get you excited, I don’t know what will.

‘Faidley’s Seafood, Lexington Market, Baltimore’
courtesy of ‘bittermelon’

This is Our First Valentine’s Day and Apparently She Considers It a “Gift Holiday.” Whoops.

So, your last girlfriend was content with a bunch of convenience store flowers, but your current catch just painted you a life size portrait of the two of you as track and field stars to signify the hurdles you’ve crossed and the short sprint towards the finish line (that’s marriage, dummy). Well crap, you’ve got some brainstorming to do. Coming up with nothing? Well the Four Seasons will make up for your shopping shortfalls with their “Present your Present” Valentine’s dinner.

When you make your reservation at Bourbon Steak for their luxury five course meal (a pricey $199 per couple, but you screwed up big, Bucko) just let them know you’ll need a little something extra and they will make sure a perfect gift is delivered to your table mid-meal. You’ll have a choice in price points ($50, $100 or $200), but other than that it’s up to the class acts at the Four Seasons and M29 Lifestyle boutique to pick the perfect present. Gifts will run the gamut from Calypso candles and perfumes, Only Hearts lace undies and Soixante Neuf jewelry. The Four Seasons will bail you out this time, but don’t let it happen again.

‘Heartfelt fortune cookie’
courtesy of ‘sassycrafter’

We Just Had a Huge Fight About Whether to Squeeze from the Bottom or the Top of the Toothpaste, and I Can’t Listen to Your Stupid Voice Right Now

So you’ve either just moved in together or are just really in to dental hygiene, and your bickering about the little things has turned in to quite the blow up. Normally you’d retreat to your respective corners to cool off,  but it’s Valentine’s Day and lovey-dovey dinners are mandatory. Instead of going to a nice quiet restaurant to awkwardly seethe at each other through your meal, why not hit somewhere that will keep your ears occupied while you silently figure out whether you can afford a place with a second bathroom.

Jazz is apparently the sound of love because Redwood, Georgia Brown’s and 701 will all have live jazz during their dinner service on the 14th. All three restaurants will offer prix fixe meals, with their take on standard V-Day fare (think lobster mashed potatoes at Georgia Brown’s). If you think you’re going to get over your issues during dinner and might need to talk at some point, it might make sense for a dinner with a little less background noise. If so, head to Ristorante Piccolo, where they will have a strolling violinist. If things are going well you can pay the man to go away, if not, slip him a $20 and get the “1812 Overture” right in your ear.

Maybe If There’s Free Food Involved, He’ll Finally Propose

Ladies, there may come a time when you get tired of explaining to every great aunt and nosy coworker that no, you are still not engaged and yes, you are aware that your chances of having children diminish greatly after 35. If you just can’t figure out another way to get him to pop the question, why not involve free food…for life. The first five people to propose at Kellari Taverna this year will receive free dinner on Valentine’s Day or their anniversary for the rest of their (and Kellari’s) life. Nothing says I’ll love you forever like free hummus.

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courtesy of ‘AnnieGreenSprings’

We’ve Been Together So Long, We Don’t See the Point in Showering

Do you only wear sweatpants around each other these days? And not in the perfectly butt-skimming way the gals wear them that look oh-so thrown together but actually took hours in front of the mirror at Lululemon. I’m talking about hole in the knee, saggy butt, infrequently washed sweats you bought freshman year of college. You’ve officially become that comfortable couple, and that is great, but once a year you’ve got to get out of the house and do something special. If you can’t both bear the thought of putting on real pants, then there is an option for you. Rock, paper, scissors to see who actually gets dressed, and they can run out to pick up one of the to-go options for Valentine’s this year.

If you’d like a nice fish dish to go with your Cape Cod hoodie, make your way to BlackSalt. For $95, you’ll get a full three course meal made for two. Choose from such Valentine’s stalwarts as oysters, lobster and chocolate strawberries, all prepared in two person portions. Likewise, the Butcher’s Block in Alexandria will have items available for pre-order to make your couch picnic complete. Not only will they have quail and marinated rack of lamb, but it will come with complete cooking instructions for the culinarily challenged. That’s also perfect for you guys who want to pull a Mrs. Doubtfire-style switcharoo and convince your lady you prepared a gourmet meal. I promise I won’t tell…or will I…?

So there it is. Feeling the love yet? I know I am.

Ashley Messick

Ashley is a born and bred Washingtonian who left for college but came running back to the District as fast as her little legs could carry her. By day she is a Capitol Hill brat, but by night she is a lean, mean, eating machine. It’s her goal in life to steal Anthony Bourdain’s job…by whatever means necessary. Contact her at Ashley (at) welovedc (dot) com or follow her on Twitter.