Guess what? There was actually some geography to snark about this week!

Recap time! Freckles’ Cleavage, Jack’s middle name is Exposition. Moss retreats from Fauxwater, Freckles wants to call Jack’s daughter, and the President caves to Jonas’ demands.

And we’re off: Hey look, Tony has figured out what the deal is with the missiles.

So Jonas is on his way to the White House, while Jack reminds the President that we don’t NEGOTIATE with terrorists, we TORTURE them. For America. After getting a tacit go-ahead from President Woman President, Tony rigs the RP-7 rocket fuel to blow… with the three charges of C4 he just HAPPENS to have with him for JUST SUCH AN OCCASION. (I mean, who doesn’t, right? It’s a girl’s best friend.)

Aaaaaand Jonas makes it to the White House from Triangle, a distance of 33 miles, in 10 minutes. A new record, even for the 24-verse. (See chat transcript for map.) We once again see the MENACING MAD COW ROCKETZ and Tony beats up a Fauxwater flunky to be taken DEEP INTO THE BOWELS of the base so he can finish his convenient C4 application.

Jonas goes all Vito Corleone on the President, complaining that not once has she invited him to the Oval Office for coffee. Then he makes her an offer he can’t refuse- to add his 1500 trained mercenaries (and MAD COWMGZ) to the fighting force of the US. I can’t even figure out what the hell he’s actually suggesting here, it makes no sense, even for 24. I guess Jonas figures he’s won the bionic, weaponized beef arms race.

Meanwhile, Butterfingers Tony loses the detonator down a grate just as the Fauxwater people are figuring out there’s been a breach. O NOES, what will happen? Will Clarksville, MD get hit with the OMG MAD COWZ? Or will Tony’s arm grow an inch so he can grab that detonator? Look at that, one of the Fauxwater lab geeks grows a conscience and refuses to participate in the launch, buying Tony crucial seconds. EXPLOSION! Tony wins!

But then Homeland Security Lackey (Some call him…. Tim) comes to fetch the President. He pulls her OUT OF THE OVAL OFFICE and into the study, leaving Jonas and the Fauxwater TurnTurnTurnCoat ALONE IN THE OVAL OFFICE WTF. Seriously? They leave terrorists alone in the Oval Office, unsupervised?

Tim tells the President that the Fauxwater base has blown up, and smugly orders the arrest of Jonas and the TurnTurnTurnCoat. Jonas is so incensed that he tries to take a swing at the President, and is restrained by the Secret Service. O HAI GUYZ, nice of you to show up. But seriously, he’s pretty much frothing at the mouth, and I keep expecting him to say, “I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling FBI agents…”

Jonas insinuates that he’s part of a MUCH bigger plot against America, which all but guarantees that he’s going to be left alone in a windowless room with a mad cow-crazed Jack Bauer at some point.

Speaking of mad cow-crazed Bauer, he and Freckles are congratulating each other on destroying the weapon when Jack gets a call from the President to thank him for his help. She notices he’s a little uncomfortable (must be the prions!) and goes all Mama Bear on him. Jack cuts the conversation short, and the President demands “realtime” updates on Jack’s condition from the CDC. Which pretty much violates all kinds of patient-privacy laws, but let’s not get fussy about that.

Tony is safe. Moss goes all gooey and melty on the phone with Freckles, who has no patience for it. Jack’s condition is deteriorating, and we notice how odd it is that he gets to walk around wherever he wants at the FBI with this apparently airborne (I know, wtf?) pathogen.

Freckles reveals that she called Jack’s daughter Kim, and Kim is waiting to see him. Jack freaks out and I really thought he was going to stick a jackknife in Freckles’ knee, until she says that Kim WANTED to see Jack, at which point it’s JACK that gets all gooey and weepy, which is kind of freakin’ me out, to be honest. THERE’S NO CRYING IN 24!!

Totally uncomfortable father-daughter scene. More weeping, making it about as believable as the Penthouse Letters section. (“I never thought it would happen to me, but one day, my dad got mad cow…”) Another commonality with the Penthouse Letters section: It features Elisha Cuthbert. Jack demands that Kim leave! For HIM! And she GOES, leaving Jack alone with his bitterness, his rage, and his prions.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, GOOD LORD, ENOUGH with the random Fauxwater lackeys killing random FBI agents already. Lackey makes off in an FBI vehicle, that has GPS in it, that Janis conveniently remembers that she can use to track him.

And FINALLY we get some geography gibberish:

We couldn’t figure out if Janis says the SUV is on Highway 42 or 22 (but there’s neither in VA) at Smoketree, but then Freckles says she’s contacting Fairfax County police to intercept the guy, AND DC to cover the DC line in case the guy doubles back. DOUBLES BACK? Into DC? FROM QUANTICO??!?!

Blah blah shooting, Fauxwater guy shoots Moss with a big effing shotgun, and just as Moss is warning Tony about the guy with the shotgun… OH SNAP, turns out that Tony is in cahoots with the Fauxwater guy, he kills Moss, and now he has a canister of mad cow.

So that makes Tony a double agent several times over. Does that make him octuple agent? Sextadecatuple agent? Is it exponential?

Freckles is gonna pee herself.

Tom Bridge

I live and work in the District of Columbia. I write at We Love DC, a blog I helped start, I work at Technolutionary, a company I helped start, and I’m happy doing both. I enjoy watching baseball, cooking, and gardening. I grow a mean pepper, keep a clean scorebook, and wash the dishes when I’m done. Read Why I Love DC.