Defending the Capitol, by tiffany bridge

The voiceover promises that “this is the hour that changes everything!” Let’s hope that means that Jack will finally figure out where FBI headquarters actually is. Here we go with the recap, and welcome to another week of We Love DC’s geography-snarking.

5:00

We open with weaselly traitor FBI nerd at his desk, being taken to task about issuing the federal warrant that thwarted our hero.  Ooh, looks like Blondie is a traitor too! Agent Weaselly has the Magical Undetectable Bug of A Thousand Expositions!

Agent Freckles is freaking out that Debaku’s girlfriend is in danger. Silly Agent Freckles, thinking of “assets” as “human beings.” You’ll never stop ANY terrorists with that attitude, missy.

Debaku lets his girl know that he knows what she’s been up to since she knows what he’s been up to. Or something. It’s hard out here for an African military operative when you just don’t know who to trust.  Aww, isn’t it sweet that they’ve made up?

Finally the DC-Cops-on-LA-Streets work out this whole “warrant” thing and let Freckles and Jack go, but oh no! Chloe has lost the girlfriend’s signal!  

Debaku and the girlfriend turned south on 11th St., which does actually go south. Small favors. Apparently the girlfriend is not taken in by Debaku’s “oh, this corruption is SO TIRING” charade.

And that is NOT 11th Street. Eleventh does cross New York Ave, but not in a residential area, and surely not  with that big wide turning lane in the center.  But points for effort for those lame-ass “WASHINGTON, DC FESTIVAL” banners on what is clearly an LA street.

AW YEAH, Debaku rolled his SUV! Jack calls for an ambulance, presumably not for Debaku, who he’ll probably just torture in a minute anyway.  Oh no, Freckles! The car is on fire! Stop trying to rescue that innocent civilian you endangered!  Finally, Freckles grows a spine and pulls a gun on Jack to demand some damn conscience…. and the SUV blows up!

(Aren’t we due for a timestamp update about now?)  Oh, there we go:

5:12 – Commercial Break

5:16

ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU SPENT FOUR MINUTES ON COMMERCIALS! WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

Junction Jack is all “Oooh, important military stuff,” and the President is all, “Don’t bother me with that running-the-country crap right now, because I’m feeling guilty and need to talk about my feelings.”

The CTU Agent of Well-Timed Exposition appears to explain that Debaku may not live and urges the President back to the Oval Office where he can protect her. For the record, she’s the freaking president of the United Freakin’ States. The Oval Office should come to her. But at least we’re back outside now.

More DC emergency response vehicles on a street that does look vaguely like DC, but isn’t. I can’t figure out if Jack is trying to interrogate Debaku or kiss him.  There’s a list, and Debaku is about to give it up, but OH NO, the Consciousness Lapse of Extended Dramatic Tension gives Jack an excuse to dig around in Debaku’s innards for what looks like a Compact Flash card.  But apparently Jack has never seen anything like it (maybe he’s never owned a digital camera), and he hands the blood-soaked object to a cop who is not wearing anything resembling a Metropolitan PD uniform, who is ALSO not wearing gloves and who does not seem to care about the obvious biohazard.  That’s hardcore!

Agent Weaselly and Blondie are arguing in the bathroom. 

Dammit, I need another car chase so I’ll have more geography to whine about.

Wait, WHAT did Blondie just say about  tying servers together with… um, an AVI motherboard reconfigured for “macro uplink?” In the absence of a car chase, I’ll bitch about stupid technobabble that doesn’t mean anything. Now get out of the ladies’ room, Agent Weaselly.

5:25 – Commercial Break

5:29 -MORE TIME WASTED!

Agent Freckles is all boo-hoo-hoo about what happened to the girlfriend and getting on Jack about being focused on, you know, saving the country and stuff. 

Meanwhile, back at Fictional FBI Field Office, the Compact Flash card has apparently morphed into an SD card, that Chloe says is a “PX17 drive with an auto-download function.” If Chloe can’t identify it accurately, no wonder Jack was so confused.

5:31

Agent Weaselly and Blondie are working on tying their servers together and bypassing safety protocols. While Weaselly is busy promising the data will be wiped out, Blondie busily panics about how she can’t wipe out the data. Awesome!

Blah blah misused technology jargon that I’m not really listening to or I’ll just get mad… and Chloe figures out she’s being sabotaged! Quick! To the “mainframe” room. Apparently Dell makes mainframes now.  

Oh, snap! Weaselly shoots Blondie while they’re getting all hot and bothered against a server rack (they ARE awfully hot).  And somehow no one at Fictional FBI Field Office notices or hears the sound of a weapon discharge. Weaselly feeds Moss some crap story but doesn’t manage to wipe his own fingerprints off the gun.

Oh hey, here’s the people who noticed the gunfire. Took them long enough. Thanks for protecting us, FBI.

5:36 – Commercial Break

5:40 (Sigh. Really.)

Weaselly continues to throw Blondie under the bus and Moss very credulously gives up and fills him in.

OH WOW, Chloe mirrored something on an outside server, which she ALWAYS does when dealing with sensitive stuff. Because that’s so secure. But it looks like Weaselly was foiled! Chloe recovered the files, and Weaselly tries really hard not to shit a brick when Moss informs him. Admirable poker face, Weaselly.

Oh yeah, it’s Janis. I had almost forgotten about the purple-legged one. She’s got an annoying but pointless couple of lines before Weaselly is prevented from escaping.

Meanwhile, back at the hospital, the medical extras try to pretend like there’s some reason to mess around with forceps near Debaku’s head while the girlfriend’s sister comes in (in her WHEELCHAIR, in case the message wasn’t clear enough) to lay the guilt even heavier down on Freckles. What you can’t have in writing and acting, you can have through conveniently-timed apperances of minor characters. But Jack is almost giddy with the recovery of the data.

Oh, Freckles. You shouldn’t slap Jack in the face. His mother slapped him once. ONCE. But OH NO SHE DI’INT: Freckles reveals that she actually would have shot Jack back there at the flipped SUV. You see, Jack? You’re not the only one with a compromised moral compass. How do you like her now, bitch?

5:48 Commercial Break

5:52 (Jack is just going to flip his shit)

A tense mother-daughter moment at the White House. You thought your relationship with YOUR mom had a lot of baggage. At least your mom isn’t the leader of the free world and always going all “Can’t tell you that because of National Security” every time you want to have a real talk with her.

Exposition Guy is back! And he knows all about the Traitor Database That Was Erased But Not Really.  Oh yeah, and Exposition Guy reminds the President that the nation owes Jack Bauer a debt of gratitude, and maybe she could make that whole testimony-before-Congress thing go away.

5:56 

Jack relaxes quietly and gazes out over the reflecting pool. Get it? THIS is what Jack was trying to save! And it really is a gorgeous shot of DC, but then Tony has to show up and ruin it by reminding us that there are still 16 more hours in this day and the writers had to fill them with ANOTHER Sengala-related crisis.  And what a coinky-dink- the chief of staff of the Senator that has it in for Jack is involved with this vast conspiracy.

And at the close of the show, Senator Goody-Two-Shoes is headed for the White House to talk about Jack with the President, and unwittingly INVITES A TRAITOR ALONG. Dum-dum-DUM!!

I hope we get more car chases next week. I like the car chases.