‘Jack Defends Freedom’
courtesy of ‘tbridge’

We’re running a little late tonight thanks to the President’s Press Conference. We’ll be underway in a minute.

Okay, here we go. It’s the recap of last week, when Ike Debaku got a first name, and an apartment somewhere near Dupont. Prime Minister Ule Motobo also has a first name now, and is on the way to the White House. President Taylor’s husband, the First Dude, is in the trunk of a car somewhere in DC.

3:03

The First Dude is being taken into an alley. Meanwhile, Ike is at a hotdog stand (with a TV?) listening to President Taylor from the White House’s tiny magic press room where there aren’t chairs. Ike’s now in a backroom of a storefront near Dupont. In his underground lair, which is fairly expansive, he’s got the First Dude tied up. Ike’s going to use him up like Tina and probably beat him pretty solid along the way.

3:06

President Taylor continues in the tiny press room. Seriously, the White House Press Room has seats. And it’d be packed to the gills, and not just in front of four reporters and staff. When the President speaks, there’s people are around. Jack, Bill and Chloe, Wondergirl, are heading into the Oval Office as President Taylor finishes.

3:10

And now we break the bad news that there are bad men inside President Taylor’s Government. Bill takes a beating from the President for hiding all this. C’mon guys, get back outside. This dialogue is really, really terrible. And Renee’s trigger finger is looking itchy.

3:13

Debaku wants Motobo at some sort of power plant in “East DC”. They cut off his finger as proof. I can’t make out the name of the supposed power plant in “East DC.” We have quadrants here. Northeast, Northwest, Southeast, Southwest. C’mon. Use ’em.

3:15

Agent Jackass has been tapped by Renee (huh huh, I’m 12) to put a team together to rescue the First Dude. They’re off to rendezvous at the Capitol Reflecting Pool. A bit of a hike from the White House, wouldn’t, say, the Spy Museum make for a better cover and closer to both offices?

3:22

Yep, that’s totally the local Fox News reporter, Brian Bolter on the screen, even if that’s not Fox 5’s badge on the coverage. Bauer and Renee meet Agent Jackass to compare notes. Bauer’s thinking they’re going to go torture the family of the other Secret Service agent. Awesome. That’s vintage Jack right there. Maybe he’ll just hold Agent Jackass’ head underwater at the reflecting pool to convince him?

3:26

Meeting’s over. Back to the underground lair in Dupont. Debaku’s woman is on the phone, begging him to come to dinner at her place. He sounds like a lame boyfriend.

3:29

Junction Jack is sending out a decoy Motobo with Bill and the gang, and is pulling back the fleet to make it look right. Jack’s 7 miles from the Beltway, headed toward Bethesda, and Agent Vosler, except Vosler’s headed South….toward Andrews? No, not so much. Andrews is antipodal from Bethesda, and getting around the Beltway is going to take at least 30 minutes plus in mid afternoon traffic, probably more like an hour. Christ. They also mention some nonsense about a “337” route that would take him there more quickly. There’s no 337 in DC. Or inside the Beltway. Closest is a crossroad in Maryland between Route 4 and Route 5, which is near Andrews, but absolutely nowhere near Bethesda or Connecticut Ave.

Lordy. They screwed that one but good. I exclaimed when I heard it the first time, and scared the cat a bit.

3:35

Trigger-happy Agent Renee is holding Agent Vosler’s wife at gunpoint while the baby cries. Man. She’s a piece of work.

Jack’s now on 9th Street headed south. Allenford and Audish? Really Jack? Did you fail at geography? They’re now back in LA. Jack’s doing stunt driving up an LA one-way (you can tell because of the monster skyscrapers.) and running right into Vosler’s car. Jack leaps out and beats agent Vosler silly. This one’s a major geographical clusterfuck. There’s nothing like this near Andrews.

Jack says they’re running out of time.

3:40

Supposedly, Debaku’s lair is on “Arlington Avenue” in DC. There’s an Arlington Road in Bethesda, and an Arlington Boulevard in Arlington, but there’s no Arlington Avenue in DC. How is there no police on scene when Jack runs out to his car? Seriously? Big accident like that in the middle of DC, there’s no way in hell there’s not a cop nearby within 3 minutes. And looters? Really? Dude, we’re not that crime-ridden here, at least not in daylight.

3:45

12451 Arlington Avenue. It’s clear these writers are from LA. Pretty sure there’s not a single five-digit address in the whole of the District. Can anyone confirm that? I’m seriously amazed that their geography is about as terrible as it gets. This is pretty depressing.

3:48

Debaku’s off to “take care” of his girlfriend’s meddling sister, who seems to have figured out that “Samuel” is actually Ike.

3:54

The showdown at the power plant begins. Judging by light and color palette, I’d say that they’re somewhere near the mysterious airport in Northwest. Which is probably actually in Southern California. Debaku figures out the scam and orders the car blown to bits. Sorry guys.

Jack and Renee head to rescue the First Dude, except somehow they’re in Los Angeles again. The perfume store has a number on the marquis that says 489-0037. Google the number and perfurmes and you’ll see the first hit is a Perfume warehouser on 6th Street in Downtown LA. Nice job guys. You could totally have found something on Connecticut to match it.

Debaku’s in Dupont and calling into Downtown LA. The last of the bad guys shoots the First Dude right in the gut. Renee’s getting an ambulance when the show closes for the week.

Lordy. This was a pretty rough week. There were a couple nice little location shots in DC this week, it’s just that they were ridiculously far away from where they were actually supposed to be. Downtown LA stood in for DC or suburban Maryland, and the whole thing was pretty much crap. Deeply disappointing.