Jack Bauer II by browserd

When last we left our intrepid hero, he had found the mysterious gang of quasi-Juman terrorists lead by Tony Almeida somewhere along the DC waterfront. The terrorists were in possession of some magical device that lets them into the Air Traffic Control systems, but they handed that off to The Big Bad Guy, who’s leaving threatening messages on the State Department’s Voicemail like an intern who’s had a bit too much Busch Light on a weeknight.

Sorry for the late start everyone, Happy Hour at Science Club ran long.

10:06am

We begin tonight’s episode in the White House, where President Taylor is dealing with the consequences of the compromised firewall. She’s hoping that the FBI will quickly break Almeida, which means it’s off to the FBI Bureau again. Which has a helipad. In DC? Really guys? I don’t think so. Again with the skyscrapers in the distance here. 12 stories and a penthouse is the rule in DC. No one breaks it, not even the Feds.

And suddenly there’s an open air parking garage adjacent to the helipad in DC? Yikes. Not so much, guys. Not so much. We’re going to take this out on Tony Almeida, I can just tell.

10:10am

Inside the terrorists new sekrit underground lair, they’re plotting as to how to use the device in the most strategic way possible. Big Bad Guy is pretty upset that they’re being slow to pony up with his demands.

10:12am

Jack has informed us that we are running out of time.

And that’s the first C-Break. Jack Bauer 1, DC 0.

10:22am

Back at the White House again and Junction Jack (c’mon people, stay up on your Greg the Bunny) and the First Dude are chatting about the death of the First Boy several years in the past, and then it’s back into the Oval Office for more discussions about caving to the terrorists.

10:25am

At CTU Jr., Chloe is working on Setting Up a VPN for a Phone Call. This would be me, laughing my IT manager ass off. Please, for the love of God study some technology. Not to mention the fact that only half that call is secure. But whatevs, we’re back on with Bill & Chloe, who are at some undisclosed CTU Jr. Location.

10:29am

They keep referencing FBI HQ, when I think they mean the Washington Bureau offices, which aren’t near each other. FBI HQ is at 9th & E, while the Washington Bureau offices are over at Judiciary Square.

10:32am

There seems to be a very high preponderance of bluetooth headsets that make you look like giant douches. Both FBI guy and CTU Jr. guy and now FBI gal are all wearing creepy stupid headsets. C’mon guys, they make you look stupid, not techie.

And what’s up with torture always being illegal and not just wrong. I get that we’re going for the more morally ambiguous FBI, but let’s be honest about what we’re talking about. It’s that torture is repugnant, not just inconveniently illegal.

10:37am

Billy Walsh, er, Sean, has somehow switched to being a creepy FBI agent who likes to watch his wife just a little more closely. We’re still stuck inside the FBI HQ/Bureau Offices somewhere in DC, but Chloe’s working on breaking Jack out to the mean streets of somewhere-that-looks-kinda-sorta-like-DC.

10:42am

Bill’s outside on Independence near USDA (+1 DC!), and getting a GPS waypoint from Chloe. Jack’s now breaking out of the FBI with Tony in tow. Plenty of resistance ahead which means it’s time to get Jack his first kill, I hope.

10:46am

The technobabble is strong with Janine Garofalo. She’s delightfully spunky as someone pretending to understand how technology works. It’s just a shame that she’s just as wrong as Chloe is most of the time.

10:55am

And it’s time to leap out the building windows. To the “roof of the parking lot.” Right. Gotcha. We’ll get right on building an above-ground parking lot here in the middle of town.

Tony leaps out and heads for the hills. Jack participates in that most DC criminal artform: the carjacking. The car, oddly enough, had a valid DC safety inspection sticker in the window! +1 DC! It’s 1-1 now.

10:59am

And now we’re near Nationals Park? Have they moved the FBI to Southeast suddenly? I’m so very confused!

We’re out of the first hour, and it’s 2-1 in favor of DC!

11:02am

Back at the FBI HQ/Bureau Office/Some Weird Office in Southeast. They’re working on finding Bauer and the gang from CTU Jr, but Chloe has worked her Girl Tech Friday

Hey, that VA License looks pretty close to real, and they even used a real troublemaker number! +1 for DC! Okay, +1 for Virginia, but for scoring purposes we’ll give that to DC.

Junction Jack and the President are quite upset at Agent Moss.

11:08am

Now we’re at CTU Jr., somewhere within 10 minutes drive of the magical moving FBI building. We’re probably still in the District at this point, unless they really burned rubber toward Southeast and the Suitland area again.

Who does their decorating? The wallpaper is totally killing me. But so is Tony the Traitor.

11:10am

Well, at least this is just about blood diamonds. Whew, I was afraid this would be about yellow cake or oil or something really dangerous.

11:12am

Sweet, Terrorist to Terrorist cellphone call here in DC. From one sekrit location to another. Get outside, guys, are you hiding in Anacostia? PG County? Maybe up toward Northeast somewhere?

11:20am

Gage Whitney Pace? Does Sam Seaborn know you’re calling his old firm to defend a terrorist?

And now Tony’s driving through Georgetown. He turns out of Georgetown onto M, it seems, from Wisconsin, I think.

But now we’re in the posher part of Georgetown.

11:25am

Because no one would notice gunfire and major crashes in a Georgetown basement. Nope. No one at all. Several shots, too. Gunfire like that brings down property values faster than a local recession, and yet there’s no 911 call? C’mon, Jack Evans himself would be there before the Police.

11:30am

Wow, I haven’t seen anyone quite as weaselly when it comes to foreign policy as Junction Jack. What a weakling.

11:35am

167 Foxhall Road is where we’re headed next. That’s generally Northwesty, but the address is bogus. Why do I think we’re in for another Naylor Road incident?

11:45am

Agent Whatshername is getting out at the Capitol, near the Botanic Gardens, while the First Dude is getting out somewhere south of the Memorial Bridge, probably down near Hains Point. That does look like East Potomac Park, actually. And he’s down at the Tidal Basin south near the FDR Memorial.

11:47am

And we’re in a Hospital, located somewhere magically just south of the Capitol? Was GWU Hospital not available? They’ve magically just put a hospital in the middle of the Department of Education? Or perhaps in Spirit of Justice Park? Jack Bauer scores a point here. 2-2. Why not at Bethesda or perhaps Walter Reed?

11:55am

And Jack still doesn’t have a confirmed kill, yet Agent Renée seems dead set on breaking every FBI reg on torture that there is. And we’re back outside at the Botanic Gardens again, but she’s on her way up to Foxhall Road where the Prime Minister is being held. He’s deep inside the panic room at the house there.

Agent Renée is booking it from the Botanic Gardens Hospital up to Foxhall when the show concludes for the week. 2-2 is the final score this episode, bringing the total score to Jack Bauer 8, DC 4.

See you next week!