Last night, when you walked into your apartment, was it sticky hot for yesterday’s +100F heat? Did you leave your windows open because you didn’t want to run your air conditioner all day, or worse, not have one to run?

Might you be wishing for a quieter, more efficient, and best yet, programmable home cooling machine? One so cold you no longer need ice in your beer and your supermodels beg for sleepovers?

Then you should be writing for Metroblogging DC. If you did, you would be courted by joe-cool companies such as Amcor, who send you a new Amcor PLM14000 portable air conditioner, hoping you’ll give it a glowing review.

And I know what your thinking right about now, “Portable? Does that mean I can walk down K Street with it cooling my person?” Well not exactly. Portable means you can roll it from one room to the next using its wheels and a flexible window vent to stash it in different room’s corners.

You’re also thinking, “Air conditioners? That’s the swag he gets? No free booze, broads, or body shot binges?” Well when the Heat Index is 107F, DC is under Code Red, and the National Weather Service says,

“IT WILL BE EVEN MORE HUMID THIS AFTERNOON AND EVENING COMPARED TO MONDAY…AND JUST AS HOT. WITH HIGH TEMPERATURES RANGING FROM THE UPPER 90S TO AROUND 100 THIS AFTERNOON,”

an air conditioner that is free from the need to be in a window or mounted on a wall, and can be hid behind a couch, masking the air conditioner’s sight and sounds, is the ultimate in swag swankness.

Gone is the obnoxiously loud sounds of my old apartment window a/c, gone are the crazy high electricity bills from its use. Now I literarily chill in my massive ballet studio living room, cooled by modern technology delivered free to my doorstep.

Envious yet? If not, wait till tonight’s supermodel strip-tease starts with the mink coat contest! Once you are, email a writing sample and biography, and we’ll get to talking about you writing for us and the swag will start rolling in.

This post appeared in its original form at DC Metblogs